July 2021 – Marti Johns

My current work-in-progress is an LGBTQ+ alphabet picture book. My plan is, as I write, to share ideas and snippets from my book through this blog. Some may end up in the final book and some may not. Writing a book is like raising a child. You think you know where you’re going to end up, but the story can take a big turn at any point. So, here goes.

A is for Ally.

The word ally is tossed around a lot these days. What is an ally? Is an ally a friend? Is it someone who supports someone? Is it someone with a similar belief system? What do you do when you are an ally?

I remember as a kid in school learning about allies being people/countries that fought together against a common enemy, such as America was an ally of Great Britain, France, and the Soviet Union during WWII.

These days, when we speak of being an ally, we’re usually thinking about a person who “advocates for or supports a marginalized or politicized group but is not a member of the group” (Dictionary.com).

Some people think that as long as they agree with LGBTQ+ rights, they’re an ally. It doesn’t work that way. We have to do more than just click Like on someone’s social media post. We have to be willing to find out what the rainbow community needs from us. There are things to do and to not do when trying to be an ally. It can be confusing, so let me give you an example.

In Judaism, there are two categories of laws – “stand and do” laws and “sit and don’t do” laws. In the Ten Commandments, a stand and do law is Honor Your Parents. To do this requires action and intent. A sit and don’t do law is You Shall Not Kill. So, right now, sitting at my keyboard typing, I’m keeping a bunch of Jewish Laws simply by sitting and not doing things.

Being a true ally is both a “stand and do” and a “sit and don’t do” situation. Ask your LGBTQ+ friends and family what they need from you. Actively listen to what they say and take it to heart – even if they ask you to do nothing. They may not be ready yet. If you’ve been asked to do nothing, that’s a sit and don’t do – and that’s okay. Before I started my blog, I checked in with Thing 1 (my nonbinary child) to see if they thought the LGBTQ+ community would see the blog as a supportive form of allyship. With Thing 1’s blessing, I began. Another great sit and don’t do way to be an ally is to not spend your money at stores and restaurants that put out anti-LGBTQ+ statements.

On the flip side, there are also lots of ways to be a stand and do ally: Locally and globally, speak up for LGBTQ+ rights. Sign or start a petition demanding equality for the LGBTQ+ community. Call or email your local and federal government officials encouraging them to support positive LGBTQ+ legislation. Write an op-ed piece for your newspaper. Go to marches and rallies. If you’re able, financially contribute to LGBTQ+ organizations like The Trevor Project or GLSEN (check my resource page for more info). Research local LGBTQ+ support organizations for volunteer opportunities. They can always use more help!

If these ideas seem too big for you, start small. Say you’re in a group and someone makes a disparaging remark against the queer community or tells an inappropriate joke. Call them on it. All you have to do is say, “Please don’t say things like that. I find them offensive.” That’s a stand and do moment. Teach your kids that it’s a good thing to stand up for their LGBTQ+ friends who are being bullied. No matter how young, kids can be allies.

Here are a couple of books to help be the best ally you can be:

Raising LBGTQ Allies: A Parent’s Guide to Changing the Messages From the Playground by Chris Tompkins
The Savvy Ally: A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate by Jeannie Gainsburg

In the comments section below, I invite you to share your thoughts about being an ally. What do you do that makes you an ally? What do you find the most challenging part of being an LGBTQ+ ally? What do you find most rewarding?

Welcome to my monthly blog – From the Edge of the Rainbow. This is a place where the circle of kidlit, especially picture books, and the circle of being an LGBTQ+ parent/ally overlap.

My name is Marti Johns. I’m a kidlit author and LGBTQ+ parent. Sidenote: both of my kids have asked for anonymity in this blog, so they will be referred to as Thing 1 and Thing 2 (my apologies to Dr. Suess).

June is a great time of year. School is out. The days are longer. It’s time for sandals, pedicures, gardens, vacations, swimming, and the like. As a young girl, June meant new places and adventures. My father was in the US Army and most Junes, we moved (something I always looked forward to). When my kids were small, we spent many-a-June-day at the pool splashing around. June evenings are meant for sitting on the back patio to enjoy the cool desert breeze and the garden lights after another gorgeous New Mexico sunset. My husband and I were married in June. I’ve always liked June.

As an adult, June has taken on another special meaning. June is Pride Month. A month to celebrate diversity and expressions of gender, self, and love. I have always considered myself a positive ally of the LGBTQ+. Being a dancer and theater geek in high school introduced me to gay and lesbian friends. As parents, my husband and I raised our kids to be open-minded and accepting of different people.

In spring 2017, Thing 1 called home from college. After “Hi, Mom.” came the sentence that sends every parent into panic mode, “I have something big to tell you.”

My brain instantly raced to: “I’ve been in a car accident”, “I’m in jail”, “I’ve flunked out of school”, “I’m running off to join a cult”.

I held my breath and said, “Okay, what’s up?”

In a quiet voice, Thing 1 said, “Mom, I wanted to tell you … that I’m gay.”

My response was, “Yeah, okay. What’s the big thing you have to tell me?”

I heard a rush of breath released on the other end of the phone. Apparently, we were both holding our breaths. “This is the big thing. So, you’re okay with it, Mom?”

“Of course, I am, and so is Dad. You are our child. We love you no matter what.”

Now, I was suddenly not just an LGBTQ+ ally, but a Mama Bear with a rainbow cub, albeit a 19-year-old cub.

With Thing 1’s permission, I shared the news on Facebook with all my friends and family wearing my new Mama Bear t-shirt. I felt newly protective, ready to take down anyone (legally and physically) who would persecute or bully my child.

On our next visit, my husband and I got to meet Thing 1’s friends, most of whom are LGBTQ+. We could see that this gay child of ours was finding a place and a posse.

Fast forward two years, and another phone call. Well, actually a conversation during a visit. “Mom, Dad, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-searching, and I realize that … I’m nonbinary.”

“Nonbinary? Okay, what exactly does that mean? Is that like being trans?” we asked. We had really never heard of nonbinary before.

Thing 1 (now 21) said, “Well, for me, I feel like I am both male and female in my gender, not just male. So, I will probably change my name to something more gender-neutral, and my pronouns are now they/them.”

This was definitely a surprise, something unexpected, but it didn’t change our feelings for our child. We love them – always. And if they are nonbinary, well, then, we will learn what that entails, and teach our tongues a new name and pronouns.

This year, even with the Covid restrictions, Thing 1 went forward with their legal name change – new driver’s license, new passport, updating all the insurance, etc. It has been a challenge to remember “they/them” instead of “he/him”, but practice makes perfect and we keep at it.

Again, with permission, I posted on social media and told my online friends that if they had questions, they could PM me. If they couldn’t accept it, they could feel free to unfriend me because I don’t need people like that in my life. So far, all my friends have been loving and supportive. Even my 84-year-old father has embraced this latest evolution of his oldest grandchild and uses the correct name and pronouns.

Part of me is so grateful that Thing 1’s coming out has happened as an adult as opposed to during middle school or high school. I never had to deal with bullying or bathroom laws, never had other parents give me THAT look about my child’s clothes at the playground or hear their rude comments. When I read articles about LGBTQ+ kids going through these issues, my heart breaks for them and their families. How can people be so prejudiced and cruel? I will never understand it.

Even so, part of me is sorry that Thing 1 had to go on this journey on their own. That my husband and I couldn’t help them. Although, I guess this is always a sort of solo journey of self-discovery.

As I look back on Thing 1’s childhood with the current knowledge, certain things suddenly make sense. They always hated going clothes shopping. I swear, back then, I would have chosen root canal rather than taking them shopping. The worst was trying to buy a suit for a 13-year-old Bar Mitzvah boy. I now understand that boys’ clothes never felt right on them. Of course, they didn’t want to try on clothes or think about what to wear. Now, we go thrift shopping together and find the greatest tights and skirts for them. They’ve really become quite the fashionista.

My child’s life has impacted me in so many ways. I’m constantly read articles about LGBTQ+ issues to keep current. The legal struggles and new anti-trans laws being passed in several states have me so scared for other kids and families, not just my own. I worry, will Thing 1 be safe when they go out with friends for an evening? Will they have to deal with workplace intolerance and prejudice?

I also follow studies showing the increase in teen gender fluidity. I see magazine covers showing more nonbinary and genderqueer celebrities wearing all kinds of different outfits. I hope that as Thing 1’s generation takes over the roles of leadership, our country will grow more tolerant and accepting.

So, back to June and Pride Month. The first June after Thing 1 came out nonbinary, my husband and I marched in the Albuquerque Pride Parade. It felt so great to walk down Central Avenue, rainbow bedecked, waving to the crowd.

Doug and I getting ready to march in the Albuquerque Pride Parade
June 2019

I have come to realize that, even if it’s just as a parent on the fringes, I am part of this wonderful, sparkly, evolving, diverse community. Remember, love will always triumph over hate. Happy Pride Month, everyone!