With everything in the news lately about the devastating fires in Hawaii on the island of Maui, I wanted to pick a Hawaiian themed book to review for this month and by chance, stumbled across this wonderful picture book which was a Stonewall Honor Book in 2022.
Long ago, before Kakuhihewa ruled Oahu, four Tahitians journeyed across the ocean from their home in Moaulanuiakea to Hawaii.
So begins Kapaemahu written by Hinaleimoana Wong-Kalu, Dean Hamer, and Joe Wilson, illustrated by Daniel Sousa, and published by Kokila (an imprint of Penguin Random House). The book is based on an animated short film also titled Kapaemahu created by the same team. The film was shortlisted for an Oscar at the 2021 Academy Awards, and has won critical acclaim and many awards worldwide.
The story continues sharing rich details about these four visitors who came to live in Waikiki. They were mahu. Mahu are dual-spirit people who encompass male and female. The leader of these mahu was named Kapaemahu. All four mahu possessed great healing powers and helped the Hawaiian people. To show their gratitude, the people erected a monument in the mahus’ honor.
Four large boulders were placed on the beach and during a ceremony, the mahu transferred their healing powers to the stones and then vanished. The stones continued as a sacred place for the people of Oahu for a long time. During the period when white settlers came to colonize the Hawaiian islands, the stones were forgotten and buried under new construction. Fortunately, the stones have been recovered and given a place of honor once again on Waikiki Beach.
This beautiful cultural story of Hawaii is shared by Wong-Kalu in both English and in Olelo Niihau (the only form of Hawaiian that has been continuously spoken since before the arrival of foreigners). Hawaiian, when spoken aloud, is a lilting and beautiful language. Sousa’s illustrations, rich with colors, are done in a style that evokes Polynesian sculpture and art.
Backmatter includes the history of the healer stones, information about Olelo Niiahu, author’s notes, and a glossary. Many of the islands of the South Pacific culturally embrace dual-spirit people. No one thinks twice about the concept of nonbinary. Unfortunately, Hawaii has gone through a period of gender minority discrimination, even suppressing the connection of the mahu with these ancient healing stones. Stories like this one can help show the link of gender diversity to our history and make the future more inclusive.
“Filled with cultural details and beautifully illustrated in vibrant tropical colors, the book pays homage to Indigenous Hawaiian healing traditions and affirms two-spirit people.” (Kirkus reviews)
Wishing all the peoples of Hawaii healing as they recover from the Maui fires.
As a postscript to International Nonbinary Peoples Day, this month I am reviewing a brand-new rainbow picture book. Simply Skye is written by Pamela Morgan, illustrated by Heather Bell, and published by Amicus Ink.
“Skye wasn’t made to be a boy or a girl.” This is how main character, Avi, introduces us to the doll, Skye. Avi describes various reasons why Skye isn’t a girl and isn’t a boy. Skye and Avi participate in different types of play with Avi’s sister, Angela, and Avi’s brother, Andrew. Avi likes dressing up for tea parties and playing pirates with Skye, but knows neither activity defines who both Avi and Skye are. This is cause for concern. Will the family accept Skye as neither boy nor girl? Will they accept Avi?
Pamela Morgan, herself the parent of a nonbinary child, handles this subject with sensitivity and care. While the family begins the story thinking in terms of binary gender, they come to understand that Avi and Skye do not fit in this construct. Mommy, Daddy, Angela, and Andrew all let Avi know it is okay to be whoever Avi is. Avi will be accepted and loved.
Heather Bell’s illustrations capture a softness appropriate for the topic, but also the whimsy of childhood play. Avi’s family is drawn as mixed race, with Avi’s (and Skye’s) race presented as an undefined shade. I love this – it really adds to the universality of the topic. Gender issues affect families from all races, backgrounds, and ethnicities. I think my favorite illustration is the final one. Avi is wearing a yellow t-shirt with the nonbinary flag emblazoned on it. Skye is also wearing a yellow shirt. Even though Skye’s back is to the reader, you can assume Skye’s t-shirt matches Avi’s. They are “Simply Avi. Simply Skye.”
My own Thing 1 did not come out as nonbinary until they were in their 20’s. Had they understood their gender dysphoria more as a young child, this is the book I would’ve wanted to have in our house – to let them know they could be whoever they wanted to be and we would always love them. Thanks to Pamela and Heather for creating this wonderful gem of a picture book.
That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.
Lines from the play Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Usually people recite this quotation as: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” That’s a true statement. A rose’s perfume is not a product of its name. But, if a rose had feelings, how would it feel to be called by the wrong name?
It’s important to use the correct words and names when speaking. Just ask my Aunt Grace, who once accidentally said that she was very pregnant instead of very embarrassed when speaking Spanish.
Our names are especially important. They identify us. Names can be indicative of our personality, our ethnic culture – they are a big part of who we are. Sometimes, we don’t feel that our name matches who we are. My mom was named after a great-great-aunt Yetta. My mom was named Yetta Ann Roth at birth. She never went by Yetta, always Ann. She disliked the name Yetta. To her, it was a very old-fashioned, old-world name. It didn’t fit her. So, at 18, she went down to the El Paso City Hall and legally changed it to just Ann. Many, many people, including myself, use a nickname instead of their full legal name, feeling it personifies themself better.
When a person goes through a transgender transition, including nonbinary, they usually change their name to reflect their new gender identity. Thing 1 did that. They felt the name given to them at birth was very masculine and didn’t fit their current gender. They filled out the paperwork and legally changed it.
In some ways, the name change is the most difficult part for the parents of a transgender child. Doug and I spent a long time looking at names, thinking about what sounded good with our last name, which names we liked best for a boy or for a girl, etc. It’s a big part of the “becoming a parent” process. In many cultures, parents need to come up with more than one name. Being Jewish, we needed to find Hebrew names in addition to our choices for English names. More researching and thinking and choosing.
We called Thing 1 their birth name for 22 years. It rolled off our tongues so automatically. In our minds, that name told us who they were. Well, it turned out we were wrong. That name is not who they were/are. A new name, of their choosing, was required. We were very lucky in that Thing 1 asked our opinion on name choices and even let us suggest a new middle name. I feel very grateful to have been part of the process. It’s taken a while to make their new name feel comfortable to us as parents. We still slip up from time to time, but it is becoming more natural as time passes.
When a transgendered person changes their name, their original name (the one given at birth) is referred to as their “dead name”. They are no longer that gender, and that name has no meaning to them. It takes effort to learn a new name for someone you’ve known for a long time. Accidents happen. You’ll say the wrong name without meaning to. When that happens, as Thing 1 explained to me, you correct yourself, apologize, and move on. And it’s okay as a parent to mourn a little bit for the dead name. You chose it and you loved it. But, in the end this new name will come to mean even more.
However, to intentionally call someone by their dead name is an insult. It says that you don’t acknowledge or respect who they are. I’ve had people tell me, “My spouse and I use our child’s correct (new) name, but it’s just too hard to convince the grandparents. They’re old and set in their ways – blah, blah, blah.” That’s a bunch of moose manure! My father is 85 years old, a career military veteran, and on the autism spectrum. He has taken Thing 1’s transition completely in stride, learning a new name and new pronouns.
Thing 1 and Poppi, 2021
If he can do it – ANYONE can! If you don’t emphasize the importance of your child’s new name to other friends and family, it says that you feel this transition is something optional and not to be taken seriously.
There is a wonderful picture book out there that touches on this topic. Oh, come on, you knew I would bring a rainbow picture book into the post.
The book, Blob, written and illustrated by the incredibly talented Anne Appert and published by Harper Collins has a main character (Blob, with an L) who is continually called “Bob” by the narrator. Blob keeps stressing that their name is Blob and getting increasingly annoyed with being called the wrong name. Eventually, the narrator realizes that they need to call Blob by the correct name. Blob feels that this name embodies everything they are and can be.
While Thing 1’s gender has changed, the essence of who they – smart, funny, loving, hard-working – remains constant. Their new name doesn’t change any of that, and as long as they showered and remembered to change their socks, they will smell just as sweet.
Throughout the book, four different children are presented with a description of each child’s gender identity. The gender identities – transgender, cisgender, and non-binary – are explained in simple language readers of all ages can understand. Author, Theresa Thorn, tells us that genders are assigned when a baby is born, based on the baby’s body. But that gender assignment isn’t always correct. We don’t always know a child’s gender identity until that child is able to tell us how they see themself. Gender can be fluid, and how a person feels today may not be how that person feels in the future. Noah Grigni’s vibrant illustrations reinforce the uplifting message that gender is a spectrum where a child can identify themself anywhere they feel is right for them. All types of families, skin shades, ethnicities, and ableness are represented, providing a mirror for all children to see themselves in.
“Among gender-centered picture books, this one stands out for its dazzling #ownvoices art and its simple yet nuanced phrasing—particularly when Ruthie shares her true gender with her family, and her parents (an interracial couple) respond with a loving group hug. “Oops! Ruthie was a girl all along—they just didn’t know it at first.” Giving kids and adults a hopeful model for discussing (and embracing) one another’s gender is just one of the gifts offered by this valuable narrative.” (Kirkus Reviews)
The goal of It Feels Good to Be Yourself is to assure readers the most important thing regarding their gender is to be true to themselves and know they are okay exactly the way they are. Backmatter includes an age-appropriate glossary, a note about pronouns, and helpful resources. This picture book is a wonderful treasure for families looking to teach and learn about gender. I highly recommend adding it to your library.
Dictionary.com lists 10 definitions for the word “evolution”. This one is my favorite.
“a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development, as in social or economic structure or institutions.”
Everything changes. Well, maybe not everything, but enough stuff in our lives changes that I feel I can make that statement. Our relationships, especially with family members, change over time. I do not have the same relationship with my parents, my sister, my husband, or my kids that I had five years ago, ten years ago, or twenty years ago. I mean, twenty years ago, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were only 4 and 1-½ years old. Now, they are 24 and 21-½. I certainly don’t interact with them in the same way I did back then. They’re adults, with lives and partners of their own.
This past weekend marked Passover for my family. Passover is the most important holiday in my family. Every year I have been alive (and even before), my family has had a seder. As a military family, sometimes we lived in places where our little tribe of four was the entire Jewish community. But we always had a seder. There were only two times that I wasn’t able to get home for the seder. Once was when I was living in Israel, and I spent the holiday with Israeli cousins. The other was a time that Passover fell during college midterms and there was no way to fly home and back without missing exams. Even during Covid, we had a Zoom seder in 2020 and thanks to vaccines, we were able to be in person in 2021.
Okay, so what does Passover and the seder have to do with evolution? My family’s seder has evolved over the years.
For those who aren’t familiar, a seder is a service held around the dinner table the first night of Passover. You use a “mini prayer book” called a haggadah for the seder. It has prayers, blessings, explanations, stories, songs, etc. While the general structure of the haggadah and the seder are the same world wide, there are as many different haggadahs as there are recipes for chicken soup.
As a child, my family first used the haggadah distributed by the Jewish Welfare Board (which provided holiday items to Jewish military personnel). Next, we used the haggadah put out by Maxwell House coffee company. Then, we moved on to a haggadah edited by Rabbi Nathan Goldberg. Each haggadah was different, and worked for the time we used them.
But, our family kept changing and growing. My sister and I each got married. We had kids. My husband is Jewish-by-choice (i.e. converted), and my brother-in-law is not Jewish. And the times changed. Judaism evolved to include women as rabbis, and the language of Jewish prayers became more egalitarian. Moreover, we always have non-Jewish friends and family at our seder. It was my brilliant sister’s idea to create our own haggadah. Borrowing what we liked best from all the different versions, she put together and edited a personal family haggadah. We’ve used this new haggadah for several years and it has been perfect.
But again, our family has evolved. We now have several rainbow family members – Thing 1 is nonbinary, Thing 2 was in a thruple for a while, and my nephew is aromantic. Additionally, both Thing 1’s girlfriend and best friend are members of the trans community.
A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about our haggadah. Was there a way to have it evolve again to include our queer members? So, like any member of the 21st century, I turned to the internet to find out. And was there ever!
Hebrew, the language of Jewish prayers, is binary, like so many other languages. There is a masculine form and a feminine form for nouns and verbs. My internet search turned up the Nonbinary Hebrew Project. Jewish scholars have created a third-gender systematics for Hebrew – a nonbinary way to speak Hebrew! How cool is that?! Through their website, I found a nonbinary Blessing for the Children which I used to update our haggadah.
I also discovered Keshetonline.org which puts out a completely queer haggadah. Several readings from their haggadah spoke to me and I added those to ours as well.
Our seder was fantastic! Everyone felt represented and seen. I know that religion has not always been kind or welcoming to the rainbow community, but this year, in our seder at least, we saw an evolution – a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development – that moved our celebration to a more inclusive future.
The Gronich-Johns-Tate clan: April 2022
Whatever your belief system, I hope this season brings you love, peace, and some evolution.
“Most mommies are girls. Most daddies are boys. But lots of parents are neither a boy nor a girl. Like my Maddy.”
So begins My Maddy (written by Gayle E. Pitman and illustrated by Violet Tobacco), my next 2021 ALA Rainbow List picture book read.
In this book, we are invited into a young child’s beautiful relationship with her nonbinary parent, her Maddy (mash-up of Mommy and Daddy). Readers are introduced to the concept of a parent whose gender identity and outer expression don’t fit the typical mommy or daddy, but are something special, “in between, and kind of both”. As the story unfolds, this in between-ness is seen and celebrated in nature, eye color, even eating utensils!
“Particularly noteworthy is the heartwarming scene when the Maddy kisses their kid goodbye before dropping them off at school: Beside a glowing portrait of the beaming family, the text reads, “Maddy’s kisses feel like sandpaper against my face.” Such positive images of gender-nonconforming presentations are rare in children’s literature, making this a valuable addition to any school, public, or personal library for its engaging art and accessible representation for a wide age range.” (Kirkus review)
Violet Tobacco’s illustrations are vibrant and colorful yet contain a softness that exudes the love between the Maddy and their child. The book’s backmatter is full of helpful information on nonbinary, intersex, parent transitions, and resources. This book is perfect for any parent, caregiver, or educator trying to explain the concept of nonbinary to a young child.
This book grabbed my heart the minute I saw the cover. The Maddy reminds me so much of my nonbinary adult child, Thing 1. Thing 1 has brownish-blonde hair, hazel eyes, wears glasses, and is tall – just like the Maddy in this story. I felt as though Gayle Pitman and Violet Tobacco were speaking directly to me, sharing a potential future of Thing 1 with a child of their own and the complete joy of their relationship.
Welcome to my monthly blog – From the Edge of the Rainbow. This is a place where the circle of kidlit, especially picture books, and the circle of being an LGBTQ+ parent/ally overlap.
My name is Marti Johns. I’m a kidlit author and LGBTQ+ parent. Sidenote: both of my kids have asked for anonymity in this blog, so they will be referred to as Thing 1 and Thing 2 (my apologies to Dr. Suess).
June is a great time of year. School is out. The days are longer. It’s time for sandals, pedicures, gardens, vacations, swimming, and the like. As a young girl, June meant new places and adventures. My father was in the US Army and most Junes, we moved (something I always looked forward to). When my kids were small, we spent many-a-June-day at the pool splashing around. June evenings are meant for sitting on the back patio to enjoy the cool desert breeze and the garden lights after another gorgeous New Mexico sunset. My husband and I were married in June. I’ve always liked June.
Our wedding day, June 19, 1994
As an adult, June has taken on another special meaning. June is Pride Month. A month to celebrate diversity and expressions of gender, self, and love. I have always considered myself a positive ally of the LGBTQ+. Being a dancer and theater geek in high school introduced me to gay and lesbian friends. As parents, my husband and I raised our kids to be open-minded and accepting of different people.
In spring 2017, Thing 1 called home from college. After “Hi, Mom.” came the sentence that sends every parent into panic mode, “I have something big to tell you.”
My brain instantly raced to: “I’ve been in a car accident”, “I’m in jail”, “I’ve flunked out of school”, “I’m running off to join a cult”.
I held my breath and said, “Okay, what’s up?”
In a quiet voice, Thing 1 said, “Mom, I wanted to tell you … that I’m gay.”
My response was, “Yeah, okay. What’s the big thing you have to tell me?”
I heard a rush of breath released on the other end of the phone. Apparently, we were both holding our breaths. “This is the big thing. So, you’re okay with it, Mom?”
“Of course, I am, and so is Dad. You are our child. We love you no matter what.”
Now, I was suddenly not just an LGBTQ+ ally, but a Mama Bear with a rainbow cub, albeit a 19-year-old cub.
With Thing 1’s permission, I shared the news on Facebook with all my friends and family wearing my new Mama Bear t-shirt. I felt newly protective, ready to take down anyone (legally and physically) who would persecute or bully my child.
Proud Mama Bear
On our next visit, my husband and I got to meet Thing 1’s friends, most of whom are LGBTQ+. We could see that this gay child of ours was finding a place and a posse.
Fast forward two years, and another phone call. Well, actually a conversation during a visit. “Mom, Dad, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-searching, and I realize that … I’m nonbinary.”
“Nonbinary? Okay, what exactly does that mean? Is that like being trans?” we asked. We had really never heard of nonbinary before.
Thing 1 (now 21) said, “Well, for me, I feel like I am both male and female in my gender, not just male. So, I will probably change my name to something more gender-neutral, and my pronouns are now they/them.”
Nonbinary Pride Flag
This was definitely a surprise, something unexpected, but it didn’t change our feelings for our child. We love them – always. And if they are nonbinary, well, then, we will learn what that entails, and teach our tongues a new name and pronouns.
This year, even with the Covid restrictions, Thing 1 went forward with their legal name change – new driver’s license, new passport, updating all the insurance, etc. It has been a challenge to remember “they/them” instead of “he/him”, but practice makes perfect and we keep at it.
Again, with permission, I posted on social media and told my online friends that if they had questions, they could PM me. If they couldn’t accept it, they could feel free to unfriend me because I don’t need people like that in my life. So far, all my friends have been loving and supportive. Even my 84-year-old father has embraced this latest evolution of his oldest grandchild and uses the correct name and pronouns.
Part of me is so grateful that Thing 1’s coming out has happened as an adult as opposed to during middle school or high school. I never had to deal with bullying or bathroom laws, never had other parents give me THAT look about my child’s clothes at the playground or hear their rude comments. When I read articles about LGBTQ+ kids going through these issues, my heart breaks for them and their families. How can people be so prejudiced and cruel? I will never understand it.
Even so, part of me is sorry that Thing 1 had to go on this journey on their own. That my husband and I couldn’t help them. Although, I guess this is always a sort of solo journey of self-discovery.
As I look back on Thing 1’s childhood with the current knowledge, certain things suddenly make sense. They always hated going clothes shopping. I swear, back then, I would have chosen root canal rather than taking them shopping. The worst was trying to buy a suit for a 13-year-old Bar Mitzvah boy. I now understand that boys’ clothes never felt right on them. Of course, they didn’t want to try on clothes or think about what to wear. Now, we go thrift shopping together and find the greatest tights and skirts for them. They’ve really become quite the fashionista.
My child’s life has impacted me in so many ways. I’m constantly read articles about LGBTQ+ issues to keep current. The legal struggles and new anti-trans laws being passed in several states have me so scared for other kids and families, not just my own. I worry, will Thing 1 be safe when they go out with friends for an evening? Will they have to deal with workplace intolerance and prejudice?
I also follow studies showing the increase in teen gender fluidity. I see magazine covers showing more nonbinary and genderqueer celebrities wearing all kinds of different outfits. I hope that as Thing 1’s generation takes over the roles of leadership, our country will grow more tolerant and accepting.
So, back to June and Pride Month. The first June after Thing 1 came out nonbinary, my husband and I marched in the Albuquerque Pride Parade. It felt so great to walk down Central Avenue, rainbow bedecked, waving to the crowd.
Doug and I getting ready to march in the Albuquerque Pride Parade June 2019
I have come to realize that, even if it’s just as a parent on the fringes, I am part of this wonderful, sparkly, evolving, diverse community. Remember, love will always triumph over hate. Happy Pride Month, everyone!
Marti Johns 