That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.
Lines from the play Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Usually people recite this quotation as: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” That’s a true statement. A rose’s perfume is not a product of its name. But, if a rose had feelings, how would it feel to be called by the wrong name?
It’s important to use the correct words and names when speaking. Just ask my Aunt Grace, who once accidentally said that she was very pregnant instead of very embarrassed when speaking Spanish.
Our names are especially important. They identify us. Names can be indicative of our personality, our ethnic culture – they are a big part of who we are. Sometimes, we don’t feel that our name matches who we are. My mom was named after a great-great-aunt Yetta. My mom was named Yetta Ann Roth at birth. She never went by Yetta, always Ann. She disliked the name Yetta. To her, it was a very old-fashioned, old-world name. It didn’t fit her. So, at 18, she went down to the El Paso City Hall and legally changed it to just Ann. Many, many people, including myself, use a nickname instead of their full legal name, feeling it personifies themself better.
When a person goes through a transgender transition, including nonbinary, they usually change their name to reflect their new gender identity. Thing 1 did that. They felt the name given to them at birth was very masculine and didn’t fit their current gender. They filled out the paperwork and legally changed it.
In some ways, the name change is the most difficult part for the parents of a transgender child. Doug and I spent a long time looking at names, thinking about what sounded good with our last name, which names we liked best for a boy or for a girl, etc. It’s a big part of the “becoming a parent” process. In many cultures, parents need to come up with more than one name. Being Jewish, we needed to find Hebrew names in addition to our choices for English names. More researching and thinking and choosing.
We called Thing 1 their birth name for 22 years. It rolled off our tongues so automatically. In our minds, that name told us who they were. Well, it turned out we were wrong. That name is not who they were/are. A new name, of their choosing, was required. We were very lucky in that Thing 1 asked our opinion on name choices and even let us suggest a new middle name. I feel very grateful to have been part of the process. It’s taken a while to make their new name feel comfortable to us as parents. We still slip up from time to time, but it is becoming more natural as time passes.
When a transgendered person changes their name, their original name (the one given at birth) is referred to as their “dead name”. They are no longer that gender, and that name has no meaning to them. It takes effort to learn a new name for someone you’ve known for a long time. Accidents happen. You’ll say the wrong name without meaning to. When that happens, as Thing 1 explained to me, you correct yourself, apologize, and move on. And it’s okay as a parent to mourn a little bit for the dead name. You chose it and you loved it. But, in the end this new name will come to mean even more.
However, to intentionally call someone by their dead name is an insult. It says that you don’t acknowledge or respect who they are. I’ve had people tell me, “My spouse and I use our child’s correct (new) name, but it’s just too hard to convince the grandparents. They’re old and set in their ways – blah, blah, blah.” That’s a bunch of moose manure! My father is 85 years old, a career military veteran, and on the autism spectrum. He has taken Thing 1’s transition completely in stride, learning a new name and new pronouns.
If he can do it – ANYONE can! If you don’t emphasize the importance of your child’s new name to other friends and family, it says that you feel this transition is something optional and not to be taken seriously.
There is a wonderful picture book out there that touches on this topic. Oh, come on, you knew I would bring a rainbow picture book into the post.
The book, Blob, written and illustrated by the incredibly talented Anne Appert and published by Harper Collins has a main character (Blob, with an L) who is continually called “Bob” by the narrator. Blob keeps stressing that their name is Blob and getting increasingly annoyed with being called the wrong name. Eventually, the narrator realizes that they need to call Blob by the correct name. Blob feels that this name embodies everything they are and can be.
While Thing 1’s gender has changed, the essence of who they – smart, funny, loving, hard-working – remains constant. Their new name doesn’t change any of that, and as long as they showered and remembered to change their socks, they will smell just as sweet.
Marti Johns 